Sharing Wisdom

I found this while looking for a document and thought I would post.

Two weeks ago I was fortunate enough to find myself at a resort just outside of town. My plan was to relax, rejuvenate, catch up on some sleep, and to basically escape the real world that I live in. Yoga, pilates, boot camp, hiking, photography, cooking classes, and everything you can imagine was all an option. They also had challenge courses that all took place well above the ground. Being afraid of heights I steered clear of these. After a day of pampering I perused the wall of classes. Quantum Leap II stared back at me each time I looked it's way. The description of being 35 feet in the air and walking into the unknown really didn't have any appeal to me. the sign up list was full, but I still found myself signing our names to the waiting list. I thought this gutsy enough of a challenge.

My girlfriend and I showed up at the scheduled time expecting a room full of thrill seekers only to find the guide and each other. All other participants had ditched out for whatever reason leaving only the two of us. What did these 20 people know that we didn't?! We decided to be brave and take the ten minute walk into the desert to check it out. We could always change our minds and run. My mind raced wondering what I had gotten myself into. I practiced breathing to calm myself but just thinking about looking over a bridge makes the arches in my feet turn to stone. This had to be safe. There are surely handles to hold onto and a net, possibly even a lounge to pause in, half way up. These were my thoughts along the way. Then I saw it. A 35 foot wooden telephone pole with staples placed on each side spanning the way up to a very narrow platform, not even the size of my cutting board at home. I couldn't move, I just stared in disbelief and then realized I was getting into a harness...on my own.

It was a little difficult climbing up but realizing that I had to figure out how to get up onto that tiny little plank was what was really on my mind. There were no handles. I steered clear of looking down as I knew it would make it harder to continue. I had to close my eyes a few times and remember to breathe in order to keep going. My new focus was not on the amount of space between myself and the desert floor, it was now set on what I had to do next. I kept climbing and climbing and sooner than I thought, reached the top. The wind was blowing so hard that the pole was swaying back and forth. I remember the wind being so loud, I kept stalling, hoping it would die down, but reality was still a part of me and I knew it would not. I was shocked to find that my body knew exactly what to do in order to stand up on the plank. My right knee moved slowly, then my left until I found myself in a squat before straightening my legs under me.

On top I found a calm that I had never experienced before. The sights were simply incredible. Looking into the clear blue sky and mountains close enough to touch was something I had never seen before. Well above the tree lines, everything looked different, and felt different. Surprisingly, I did not have a problem walking off the plank. I counted to two, and stepped off into open air. I dropped 3-4 feet before being lowered to the ground.

Pure exhilaration!

I took way from this experience so many things. I found confidence in myself that I did not know existed. It gave me a chance to see that looking to myself when I am afraid is enough, that I can depend on myself, and that I am strong enough of a person to face the things that I fear. The one thing that really struck me as soon as my feet were safely on the ground was that in those 10 odd minutes of my life, I thought about nothing but myself. No family, what to make for dinner, the phone calls I needed to return...nothing. It was just me, a pole, and some serious will to succeed.

Indelible Jenn

I am always taken aback a little when someone that I have only met once, or even multiple times, calls me by my name or recognizes me in a crowd. I never think that people will remember me. It has always been this way for me. This has never bothered me, nor have I given it much thought throughout my life, until recently.

I was wavering back and forth between attending the second immersion this spring. I can't put a name to what made me second guess being a part of it as it was already paid for and my vacation time approved.

I decided to attend a yoga class a few weeks ago at the downtown studio. Upon arriving at the studio I was greeted with so much enthusiasm and delight that I was almost saddened by the thougth that I had actually forgotten how astounding being part of the kula felt. Drinking that fullness of open heart in, I stretched out my mat.

The word of the day was indelible. The studio was at capacity, the heat radiating, and the practice intense. Mid class, with sweat dripping from every pore, I heard my name. It was the teacher, an individual that I greatly respect yet rarely get to practice with, saying my name. He gave me a suggestion to reposition some part of my body. I don't even know if I altered my posture as I was overwhelmed that I actually heard my name in a sea of people. I paused, inhaled deeply, and exhaled fully.

That evening I sat down with my journal. I wrote about the delight in the receiving, the flow of the movement, and of being part of a community that I truly love. I contemplated the idea that perhaps I had the capacity to be lasting, to be permanent, and to be a mark that is not easily erased.

I did attend and complete the immersion with the aim to unclutter and spring clean from the inside out. I gained clarity of who I am and what I have to offer to myself, and to others. I know that I have made a few lasting impressions on some of my fellow yogis and longtime friends to be. I not only cleared out my closet, but really scrubbed the walls and wiped the cobwebs from the corners.

Among many things, I left with the essence that I am memorable because I deserve to be.

The Pill Poem

Every time my Father goes to Wisconsin my Mother stays home and deep cleans. She found this poem that she wrote for me 20 some odd years ago. I had asked her if I could go on birth control for reasons other than sex, of course. She gave me this as her response. I only hope that my parenting skills are as thought out and comical for my child in the years to come.

I knew a girl who took the pill 

Against her mothers wish and will 

When word got out about her little device 

Boys started treating her awful nice 

Her plan was only to regulate 

Soon with the guys she began to negotiate 

One said "You have nothing to fear" 

Ha! She had gonorrhea within a year 

Back to planned parents for a shot. 

And soon all her troubles were forgot. 

Oh no! it could not be.. 

A few months later, it was herpes 

And if that was not enough 

Add a touch of syphilis 

The moral here is my dear, 

When your friends say 

Go to planned Parenthood 

You will get aid (AID) 

Stop, Think and Be afraid!

el corazon

The left side of the road was lined with the harsh shades of black. The right side was littered with every happy color the eye can see.

A Megadeath concert at the Rialto. An evening with Sianna Sherman at YO. Talk about yin and yang.

Basically, this meant - good luck finding parking.

I was very excited to step onto my mat and spend two hours thinking of nothing except giving my body and mind exactly what it needed. An escape. A mini vacation from the thoughts of hospitals and doctors and, well, reality. Oh was I ever ready.

The moon was full, it was Hanuman's birthday, and Bronwin filled the room with melodies.

The theme of the class was Devotion in Motion. Perfect, sign me up and let me go.

And then it happened. Sianna said heart. And not only one time. She wove the word into more sentences than I thought possible. For two hours I heard that word. Over and over. The only word that I wanted to avoid.

But here is the thing that surprised me the most.

I listened to her heart spilling words of devotion. Her tales of the little monkey. How wind can be the breath from our heart. I stopped hearing the word heart as a clinical term, and felt is as is truly should be. I let the last two weeks fall behind me and relished in a space that was comforting, nourishing, and safe.

more info

On Tuesday I spoke to the surgeons assistant to get info for the big 14 April meeting. This is where we will meet the Dr, see the facilities, get any questions answered, set the date, and much to our surprise - the Dr will give Finley a very basic check up. Finley. We didn't plan on him being a part of this appointment. We thought it was where we, as parents, get more information on the surgery to better explain it to Finley. Gather advice on how to tell him, when to tell him, the whole lot.

Sorry Charlie, the Dr is a busy man and it's a one and done appointment.

This boils down to us having to tell Finley in a very limited amount of time. It is enevitable, this we understand but like to pretend we have more time. This is new, let us be a bit scattered. We enlisted a child psycologist to give us their opinion. We see them on Friday. (whew)

I also got information such as the length of the average hospital stay (5days), the specs of the hospital, to expect only one parent to stay each night, information about the Ronald McDonald house, pre op details...

It was way too much reality for one phone call. I found myself in the bathroom willing myself to breathe. Just breathe. I counted my breath, I inhaled deeply and exhaled the same. I dabbed the tears from my eyes and found a semblance of control. I did it! I tried the breathing thing that I teach to many and it worked. Good. To. Know.

The news - 24 March 2010

Yesterday the weather was dreary. The sky sunk low with overcast clouds and far too chilly temperatures for impending spring. The winds blew and the drops that fell from the sky were ice cold. It was a very odd day.

Today there was dew on the ground, little droplets peppering the windows of our cars, smelling fresh and full of optimism. They sky was a brilliant blue with a few clouds scattered. The sun was bright and shining, promising a new day filled with warmth.

Yesterday was a bad day. A day filled with dread. It is only fitting that the weather matched with such full force. Yesterday we learned that our child was in need of open heart surgery. Not one of those every day prognosis that parents have to prepare for. We heard the news, and had to go directly back to work. Minds racing. Separated.

And then we were together. All of us, pretending that all was well. Finley didn't know yet so open conversation wasn't an option. After he was tucked into bed we looked at each other but didn't know where to start. What to say. I had never had these feelings before and I didn't know how to explain them. A million different thoughts raced through my mind but when I tried to get them out, they were stuck.

Words didn't seem to work for me. My eyes were a faucet. My thoughts incoherent. To put it simply, I was a mess. So I poured myself into bed and lay there all night long. Sleep failed me.

And so today I stepped outside to a fresh new day. The skies seem to know that I was in dire need of assistance so they swept away the clouds and offered a clean slate of blue. I went to work and stared at my computer. Work seemed unimportant. Everything seemed surreal. I had to find a way to tell my family and friends and speaking was still an obstacle. Email! Tacky, but all encompassing and a one shot deal.

Dear Friends,

I hope this note finds you well. These are not the easiest of words I have put together in a while so I will just get to it.

Some of you may know that at birth Finley was diagnosed with a vsd, or a tiny hole in his heart. We have kept an eye on it with an annual ekg and check up. His Dr assured us not to worry until he said so. Well, he said so and we met with him yesterday. The outcome was certainly not what we hoped for and Finley will need open heart surgery within the next few months. He just turned 4.

It's a good day because we have the opportunity to walk hand in hand with him through this next adventure. We will be able to explain what is happening to him with the strength from within that we will gain through education, each other, and our friends and families support. it's imperative that we extend positive energy throughout every facet to alleviate as much fear as possible.

Some days will be good, and some days will be difficult, wavering, frustrating, questioning, filled with weakness, sadness, and anger, and that is equally alright. They are natural emotions and bound to surface at I'm sure the most inopportune times (for me that is when they poke up and say hello). We just have to be careful not to stay there for very long. It's dark there, and more than anything, we need to focus on the light, and the life that is far more powerful, fulfilling, generous, and enveloping.

At this point there is nothing that we need or that anyone can really do. Soon enough a date will be set and trust me, you will know. I'll be begging for your thoughts and prayers and lovely home cooked meals ;)

Thank you for listening. I didn't intend to write a novella, but apparently the words that failed me for the past weeks felt the need to escape. I will look at this as my retrograde being over and life is now spinning in the right direction, urging me to keep that chin parallel with the earth, and maybe even slightly elevated.

Heart forward,

Jenn

And there it is. I know that I will look back to this note when I am having a hard day. I'll know that if I had the strength and honesty to type those words, that they are inside of me, along with the power to believe them.

end of the week sigh

It's Friday night.

My son is in the living room watching his 'start of the weekend treat' show before heading to dreamland. My husband is in the bedroom watching some type of sporting event and likely reading some sort of financial publication. I am in the kitchen, the hub of the house, listening to my incredibly capable and talented friend Melisa spin tunes on KXCI, taking me to another realm allowing me to leave the work week behind.

We are all together in the same house, but all in our own little world.

Every now and then I hear an over powering cackle of a laugh that my husband genetically passed down to our son which means they have cross contaminated each others worlds, playing some sort of game that I most likely don't want any part of. I am certain that it has to do with tossing a child onto a bed or the testing of gravity in a way that would make my stomach drop.

I am content and I must say, it feels pretty damn good.