The Pill Poem

Every time my Father goes to Wisconsin my Mother stays home and deep cleans. She found this poem that she wrote for me 20 some odd years ago. I had asked her if I could go on birth control for reasons other than sex, of course. She gave me this as her response. I only hope that my parenting skills are as thought out and comical for my child in the years to come.

I knew a girl who took the pill 

Against her mothers wish and will 

When word got out about her little device 

Boys started treating her awful nice 

Her plan was only to regulate 

Soon with the guys she began to negotiate 

One said "You have nothing to fear" 

Ha! She had gonorrhea within a year 

Back to planned parents for a shot. 

And soon all her troubles were forgot. 

Oh no! it could not be.. 

A few months later, it was herpes 

And if that was not enough 

Add a touch of syphilis 

The moral here is my dear, 

When your friends say 

Go to planned Parenthood 

You will get aid (AID) 

Stop, Think and Be afraid!

el corazon

The left side of the road was lined with the harsh shades of black. The right side was littered with every happy color the eye can see.

A Megadeath concert at the Rialto. An evening with Sianna Sherman at YO. Talk about yin and yang.

Basically, this meant - good luck finding parking.

I was very excited to step onto my mat and spend two hours thinking of nothing except giving my body and mind exactly what it needed. An escape. A mini vacation from the thoughts of hospitals and doctors and, well, reality. Oh was I ever ready.

The moon was full, it was Hanuman's birthday, and Bronwin filled the room with melodies.

The theme of the class was Devotion in Motion. Perfect, sign me up and let me go.

And then it happened. Sianna said heart. And not only one time. She wove the word into more sentences than I thought possible. For two hours I heard that word. Over and over. The only word that I wanted to avoid.

But here is the thing that surprised me the most.

I listened to her heart spilling words of devotion. Her tales of the little monkey. How wind can be the breath from our heart. I stopped hearing the word heart as a clinical term, and felt is as is truly should be. I let the last two weeks fall behind me and relished in a space that was comforting, nourishing, and safe.

more info

On Tuesday I spoke to the surgeons assistant to get info for the big 14 April meeting. This is where we will meet the Dr, see the facilities, get any questions answered, set the date, and much to our surprise - the Dr will give Finley a very basic check up. Finley. We didn't plan on him being a part of this appointment. We thought it was where we, as parents, get more information on the surgery to better explain it to Finley. Gather advice on how to tell him, when to tell him, the whole lot.

Sorry Charlie, the Dr is a busy man and it's a one and done appointment.

This boils down to us having to tell Finley in a very limited amount of time. It is enevitable, this we understand but like to pretend we have more time. This is new, let us be a bit scattered. We enlisted a child psycologist to give us their opinion. We see them on Friday. (whew)

I also got information such as the length of the average hospital stay (5days), the specs of the hospital, to expect only one parent to stay each night, information about the Ronald McDonald house, pre op details...

It was way too much reality for one phone call. I found myself in the bathroom willing myself to breathe. Just breathe. I counted my breath, I inhaled deeply and exhaled the same. I dabbed the tears from my eyes and found a semblance of control. I did it! I tried the breathing thing that I teach to many and it worked. Good. To. Know.

The news - 24 March 2010

Yesterday the weather was dreary. The sky sunk low with overcast clouds and far too chilly temperatures for impending spring. The winds blew and the drops that fell from the sky were ice cold. It was a very odd day.

Today there was dew on the ground, little droplets peppering the windows of our cars, smelling fresh and full of optimism. They sky was a brilliant blue with a few clouds scattered. The sun was bright and shining, promising a new day filled with warmth.

Yesterday was a bad day. A day filled with dread. It is only fitting that the weather matched with such full force. Yesterday we learned that our child was in need of open heart surgery. Not one of those every day prognosis that parents have to prepare for. We heard the news, and had to go directly back to work. Minds racing. Separated.

And then we were together. All of us, pretending that all was well. Finley didn't know yet so open conversation wasn't an option. After he was tucked into bed we looked at each other but didn't know where to start. What to say. I had never had these feelings before and I didn't know how to explain them. A million different thoughts raced through my mind but when I tried to get them out, they were stuck.

Words didn't seem to work for me. My eyes were a faucet. My thoughts incoherent. To put it simply, I was a mess. So I poured myself into bed and lay there all night long. Sleep failed me.

And so today I stepped outside to a fresh new day. The skies seem to know that I was in dire need of assistance so they swept away the clouds and offered a clean slate of blue. I went to work and stared at my computer. Work seemed unimportant. Everything seemed surreal. I had to find a way to tell my family and friends and speaking was still an obstacle. Email! Tacky, but all encompassing and a one shot deal.

Dear Friends,

I hope this note finds you well. These are not the easiest of words I have put together in a while so I will just get to it.

Some of you may know that at birth Finley was diagnosed with a vsd, or a tiny hole in his heart. We have kept an eye on it with an annual ekg and check up. His Dr assured us not to worry until he said so. Well, he said so and we met with him yesterday. The outcome was certainly not what we hoped for and Finley will need open heart surgery within the next few months. He just turned 4.

It's a good day because we have the opportunity to walk hand in hand with him through this next adventure. We will be able to explain what is happening to him with the strength from within that we will gain through education, each other, and our friends and families support. it's imperative that we extend positive energy throughout every facet to alleviate as much fear as possible.

Some days will be good, and some days will be difficult, wavering, frustrating, questioning, filled with weakness, sadness, and anger, and that is equally alright. They are natural emotions and bound to surface at I'm sure the most inopportune times (for me that is when they poke up and say hello). We just have to be careful not to stay there for very long. It's dark there, and more than anything, we need to focus on the light, and the life that is far more powerful, fulfilling, generous, and enveloping.

At this point there is nothing that we need or that anyone can really do. Soon enough a date will be set and trust me, you will know. I'll be begging for your thoughts and prayers and lovely home cooked meals ;)

Thank you for listening. I didn't intend to write a novella, but apparently the words that failed me for the past weeks felt the need to escape. I will look at this as my retrograde being over and life is now spinning in the right direction, urging me to keep that chin parallel with the earth, and maybe even slightly elevated.

Heart forward,

Jenn

And there it is. I know that I will look back to this note when I am having a hard day. I'll know that if I had the strength and honesty to type those words, that they are inside of me, along with the power to believe them.